Parenting, isolation, and losing our identity.
Pondering parenting, isolation, and losing our identity.
There’s no denying that parenting is one of the more difficult jobs we face. Have you ever stopped to ponder why parenting is so difficult? Perhaps it’s the sleepless nights, or maybe the relentlessness of having to answer endless questions, or meet their never ending needs. It could even be the karma that bites you on the ass as your children turn into miniature versions of yourself as a child. Whilst all of these things may be true in part, I think the main reason is that when we become parents we often lose our own identity.
When our first bundle of joy enters the world it’s a time filled with joy and love. Suddenly there’s a little human of our own creation looking back at us, the parents. We often forget it, but to that little human being, we‘re centre of their universe, we are their universe. Whilst this is a beautiful feeling, we often ignore the fact that the universe we once knew, suddenly disappears. Everybody warns us that life will change forever when we have children, but nobody ever really explains why.
Whether you’re a stay at home parent, a working parent, a partnered, or a single parent, life changes in ways we often don’t expect. Whether it’s no longer having time to do the things we enjoy most, friends that drop by the wayside, or simply trying to juggle the new reality of a trip to the shops requiring more planning than a vacation to Antarctica, life changes drastically. Rather than communicating this, all too often these feelings are bottled up instead of discussing them with our friends or partners. This can result in us feeling isolated, unappreciated and even resentment for the sacrifices we’ve made.
Until I stated seeing a counsellor some 8 years ago, I didn’t ever stop to consider this. I was tired, stressed, miserable and not really enjoying my existence at all. One of the first things she pointed out was that my life didn’t include me doing any of the things I enjoyed, doing something purely selfish. I worked, parented, and filled the other gaps with mind numbing activities like watching TV or drinking. I loved Jaiden more than life itself, but at that time parenting was often difficult, it was a struggle that I often just wanted to escape. I felt that I would be judged if I asked for time away from him, but in reality it was what I needed most. Whilst raising the next generation is undoubtedly the most important job we’ll ever have, sacrificing ourselves entirely doesn’t necessarily result in us doing a better job of parenting. I’d argue the opposite often applies.
Over the years I’ve come to realise that in order to be the best parent I can be, I need to invest more time into myself. Yep, to be a better parent, I choose to be selfish. I believe we all need time to ourselves to think and process our thoughts, a space where we can simply exist without distractions, or the need to fulfil other responsibilities like work, or parenting. In this day and age our spare time is usually spent by having our minds numbed from life, and tuning out for some mindless entertainment. What if we used some of that time to tune in to our thoughts, our feelings, or emotions?
Recently I asked my mum if she could look after Jaiden so I could have some ‘kid free’ time. Due to the dad and homeschooling gig, I’ve had Jaiden with me 24/7/365 for over 10 years now, which is something that has its own unique challenges. As is the case for many, at times it was a struggle being isolated during COVID. We’re used to connecting with people, going out, exploring, and planning our next adventure, it’s these things that make it possible for us to spend so much time together. After a couple of months, we both needed a bit of a break, so rather than feeling like I was being selfish I accepted that this recharge would do us both the world of good. I did the hard thing, I asked for help.
Like many of us parents who get a whiff of freedom, I didn’t know what to do with myself once I was relieved of my parental duties. So, I did something I hadn’t been doing enough. I spent some quality time alone, processing my own thoughts. I sat on the Redcliffe pier and had a good hard think about my life, the struggles I face, my goals and dreams, and how I can bring them to fruition. It made me realise that I’d once again lost myself and my existence felt like it was being totally consumed by my responsibilities as a parent. There was no space left for Cam to exist as a person, whether it was doing something I enjoy, or just having 10 minutes peace. Despite living an idealistic lifestyle, I felt trapped in my role as a parent and that was making it increasingly hard to stay engaged. I made deals with myself as to how I’d solve this, how I’d better balance my role as a parent to ensure I didn’t neglect myself.
As I sat and pondered this, I thought that perhaps sharing my thoughts with you all could maybe help someone take that step to ask for help, and seek some alone time to recharge. Given I don’t carry a phone, I pondered walking the 2km to get my camera to try and capture the moment. As if my magic, a woman ( Memories By Misty) appeared on the pier with a camera in hand. I explained the situation and like a total weirdo asked if she’d take a photo of me. Thankfully, Misty was more than happy to oblige and I suddenly had a moment of deep clarity captured.
We’re living in a time where more people than ever feel lonely, isolated, and struggle to find a balance between parental responsibilities and alone time. This makes it more important than ever to help ourselves, our partners, and our friends. We often undervalue the importance of doing nothing or spending time without the distractions of technology, people, or any other outside stimulation. For whatever reason, the act of being busy has been glamorised and glorified, why? The benefits of alone time, without distractions, have been proven over and over again scientifically, yet far too many of us are “busy, being busy”
Everybody who is reading this right now is either a parent, or knows somebody who is a parent. The most important role we have is to raise the next generation, but doing this to the best of our ability also requires we invest in ourselves. Ask someone to look after the kids for an hour, offer your partner a night out or message a friend and offer to babysit their kids. Let’s encourage each other to take some time out to recharge, reflect, and practice some self-love.
Pico Iyer said it perfectly in the book The Art of Stillness – “In an age of speed, I began to think, nothing could be more invigorating than going slow. In an age of distraction, nothing can feel more luxurious than paying attention. And in an age of constant movement, nothing is more urgent than sitting still.”
